Getting Ready for Christmas....

Now that Thanksgiving is over, the only thing left to do is enjoy the month of December and begin the countdown until Christmas. I love this time of year, the weather is freezing, yet in Boise we NEVER get snow and it's a great time to enjoy with family. Brad and I found these huge stockings in the office so we thought it would be funny to take some crazy pictures wearing them, so freakin' funny!!!

This year I decided that I would send out Christmas cards since I have never before done them. I had always wanted to, but just never found the time or motivation. So to all of you out there, the cards are on their way.

Got to get back to work, I will post later!!!!

The puffy face...

I woke up this morning to a swollen face!!!! It frightened me and made me laugh all at once. About a year ago I was experiencing some type of allergic reaction to some unknown substance. I went to two skin and allergy specialists here in Boise but to no avail, they found NOTHING! I would go to bed perfectly healthy and wake up a few hours later covered in hives and a puffy face. So begins the trend for the second time, atleast I hope not.

Life has been sort of hectic and crazy these days. Family, WORK, friends and my spiritual self are all struggling right now. Maybe all of the stress and unknowns in my life are contributing to my allergic reactions? I slept in this morning in hopes that a little rest would make it better, not so easy. I drug myself into work with big lips and a double chin, so funny even for me to say.

For Thanksgiving me, my mom and dad are all driving to Rexburg to be with Reg, Ava and Jason. Melissa, Lance and the boys are going to Utah to be with the Snyders. It should be fun and adventurous, six of us in a tiny apartment in Rexburg for five days!

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The topic of Religion.....

Why is religion such a sensitive subject? Why is it that religion is the center of so much controversy? Lately I have begun to ask myself this very same question. It seems as if so many people are concerned with "what" religion or church they belong to. Why does this matter? We need to remember that we all have the right to worship freely and as we see fit. We are to consumed with the idea and belief that it matters where you go to church and what religion you belong to.

I have some really close friends that are not LDS, yet they are some of the VERY best people and friends that I have ever had. They don't judge and they love unconditionally despite our difference in religion. I feel so safe around their family and I love the peace I feel when I am in their home. So why would someone care that I am spending much of my free time with them and learning from them? This is the idea that I am having the most difficulty understanding. We become so preoccupied with what others believe or don't believe that we loose sight of who that person really is and the potential they have.

I understand that our beliefs differ, yet I also realize that these same differences have made us the best of friends. Who really does care if your neighbor is Catholic, Baptist, Methodist, Christian, does it really matter? I am beginning to believe that it's not what church we belong to that matters, it's what's in our heart and the person we truly are. I am in no way saying that what I believe to be untrue. Each of us has the freedom and right to believe and worship how we choose.

Ode to the black Porsche...

SOLD BUT NOT FORGOTTEN.....

For those of you that know me, and know me well, I drove a black Honda Civic hatchback for the past three years and loved every minute of it. Well yesterday I sold it!!!! I advertised it on Craig's list and in less than 72 hours she was gone. Within the first 30 minutes of having it up for sale, I received 2 calls. I was amazed at how fast it went. I am excited for the change and excitement of car shopping and buying a new car, yet I was sad to see it drive away with a new owner. The kid that bouhgt it just lit up when he saw it, that's just how I felt when I bought it years ago! I have spent numerous hours car shopping and riding around with Brad in his Porsche looking for the perfect car for me.

It's a debate between an SUV with poor gas mileage, or a small car that gets great miles on the road? I have no idea what I will end up purchasing, maybe you can help! If you have heard of any good cars out there, please send me the picture and the link to view the car you are referring to, any information helps!!!! I will post a picture of the new car when I have finally bought it. Wish me luck, I am going to need it...

I hate being sick.....

I have had a terrible cold for the past few days and I hate being sick more than anything! I would rather have the flu than a sore throat and a runny nose, it's the absolute worst. Life has been hectic lately, work, family, friends, all of it. I am trying to find a balance in juggling all of these aspects of my life. I am so thankful for friends that are a support and give great advice. I was having a conversation about "religion" the other night with a friend and he told me to "not give up something you know for something you don't know." As I was driving home, I began to really internalize what he said and thought, what is truth and how do you know you've found it? Truth is exactly what I am searching for and wanting so badly.

My depression is getting worse and I was just about to give up last week. For the last twelve years I have continued to wonder why I suffer from depression. No doctor or medication has made it better for me. I am waiting to see Dr. Hoopes, a well-known psychologist here in Boise and I am hoping that he has the answers and solutions I am looking for. Late one night I received a phone call from my best friend who is at BYU-Idaho and he offered to drive to Boise for the weekend just to be with me, I was blown away at his kindness and friendship. We spoke for about an hour and he gave some great advice and helped calm me.

My sister sent me this picture of Keaton in his new bath towel and it made me SMILE, I am so grateful for my little nieces and nephews and for their innocent spirits. To my family, I truly do love you, and I am also very thankful for good friends that continue to help me get through this difficult time in my life!

This is MY LIFE.....

I was inspired by one of my closest friends to think of and post all of the things that are such a huge part of my life. Above I posted a few pictures that are an everyday part of my life and who I am. I have really been afraid to post what it is I really am feeling. Afraid to put myself out there and allow others to read about me, my hopes, my dreams, my weaknesses. Alot has been on my mind lately, my job, marriage and the church. I am struggling with finding truth and what truly makes me happy. There are those friends in life that drain us of everything we have and fail to give anything back. They call us only when they need something, when they need money or have a favor to ask. I am taking a stand against these types of friends that do nothing but bring us down. To these types of people, I will NOT allow you to use me. There is one such friend that I have done all that I could possibly do to fix our friendship, but he gives nothing back? No returned phone calls, nothing! This is in area of my life that I have been trying to make right, but nothing seems to work, does he even care? From this time forward, I am taking a stand to move on with my life!

Tonight I had the opportunity to pray with my nephew Keaton who is two. His innocence and love is something I wish I had. It was so amazing to see him kneel down and pray to his Heavenly Father. He is such a HUGE part of my happiness, my life. What makes up your life? What drives you to be better? What are you searching for? I am taking a stand against my depression, I have to!

This is MY LIFE.....

My family

My nephews Keaton and Andrew

My two neices Madalynn and Ava

My Savior Jesus Christ

My Heavenly Father

Finding what is truth

Finding the truth

Sorry for not writting!

What a crazy few weeks it has been. Work is actually enjoyable for the first time in a long time, mainly because of the amazing people that I work with! On Friday we ordered in Chinese food from Quik Wok and ate as a team, F.F.L's are my favorite part of the week. After we ate, we all gathered into the "war room" and made Christmas layouts, so fun by the way. It was great for us to laugh, eat junk food and watch "The Island." Mel brought this movie about cloning humans and it was absolutely fascinating! Later that evening, I went over to Brad and Kari's house to finish the end of the movie. By the way, I want to thank both Brad and Kari for being such wonderful people and friends to me, a good friend is what makes life worth living. They both have given me some much needed advice. Brad and I have this joke that I am going to occupy their guest room until they give me my loan to buy a house, he tells me only in my wildest dreams...

My depression is seemingly getting worse. I get deeper and deeper into self despair and I cannot snap out of it. When I was at the movie store on Friday, I ran into some good friends that have lived through the HELL of depression. They both know what it feels like to be so low that you cannot find a reason or the strength to get out of bed. The recommended a book for me to read, The Mood Cure, by Julia Ross. She gives advice on what simple things we can do to change our moods. To the Christensen's I give so much thanks!!! Things like exercise and eating right can drastically effect our attitudes. So I am challenging myself to cut out all wheat and sugars to see if they really do indeed effect my depression, I also went running last night for the first time in about 6 months, it felt so great to exercise again. This week is going to be a good one, I can just feel it!!!!

This weeks goals:

NO SUGAR, I am already so addicted...

NO WHEAT

Daily exercise (atleast 30 min per day)

Service

Sleep more (8 hours per day)

Eat more fresh fruits and veggies

Another weekend...

So nothing really exciting happened over the weekend. I found out that Elder Husemann, one of my closest friends in being transferred to LaGrand Oregon next Wednesday, I am going to miss him so much! I have learned that change has NEVER been easy for me and I hate letting go of good friendships, it just sucks. It's so much easier to realize that someone cares when they are actually there in person, I have a hard time realizing this same concept when I am unable to see them everyday. I wish him the best of luck and he will be missed so much!!!!!

So over the weekend I spent some time with the Elders and we had the most awkward moments, I cannot even remember them all, but I know they happened. On Saturday morning I took Elder Sawtell and Leith to eat at Merritts down on Garden City. It's the most white trash place I have ever eaten at, yet it feels like home. For those of you that have been there, can't you just picture it? Later that evening I took Elders Husemann and Fisher to eat at Johnny Carinos, and boy was that awkward. We laughed so hard and I'm sure that the tables near us thought we were absolutely crazy! I love to laugh and I have found that there is no better way to relieve stress, than to LAUGH.....

I hate going to the doctor....

Today I went into my family doctor to have my depression medication regulated. Last night I had a conversation with a close friend that really set me off. It had been about a week since I had last heard from him, so I decided to send him a text message. I jokingly asked him if he had gone off and finally found a girlfriend? His reply back to me was "why, are you freaking out because I have been unresponsive to you?" I was completely thrown back by his remarks. It's just little things like this that seem to throw my depression into overdrive. Stupid I know, but so real all at the same time. I tried to not get mad at him and simply apologized for wanting to be a good friend and get one in return. I am always the one to apologize it seems, even when I have nothing to apologize for. Does this sound familiar to anyone else?

So back to my doctor's visit, she told me that there is better medication out there for me so that I can get back to a life of normalcy, I wanted to believe him, but so much of me just wanted to shake her and say, "I'm always going to be depressed!" I know that it's wrong of me to think this way, but it is just the way that I have thought for the past 12 years as I have tried and tried to cope with depression. She also advised that I go and see a Psychologist for further testings. I have never been fond of telling my sob stories to a complete stranger. Has anyone out there had a good experience in seeing a Psychologist? She also told me to cut out all of the sugar in my diet and EXERCISE!!!!!!! We will begin today with some of the changes she advised and see what happens in the weeks and months to come.

Gratitude...

I was reading another blog today and it really caught me eye. The article was on the importance of having gratitude and being grateful for what we already have. We find that we are always wanting more and never satisfied with what we have been already given.

Gratitude

"Gratitude requires awareness and effort, not only to feel it but to express it. Gratitude is a Spirit-filled principle. It opens our minds to a universe permeated with the richness of a living God. Through it, we become spiritually aware of the wonder of the smallest things, which gladden our hearts with their messages of God's love...Gratitude inspires happiness and carries divine influence."

I loved this quote because it made me think of all the things in my life that I am most grateful for. A few days ago I called a good friend's mom just say how "grateful" I was for her raising an amazing son that had a tremendous role in helping me realize the importance of the Gospel in my life. It was because of his friendship that I decided to get active in the Church again, and over a period of time the Lord allowed me to see the goodness that lies within each of us. I will forever be thankful to my friend for helping me find the happiness I had been missing!!!!

Just some of the things I am Grateful for....

My family

The two amazing sisters that I have, and their husbands

My Father in Heaven

My Savior Jesus Christ

Good friends

My health

Sunshine

Keaton, Andrew, Ava and Madalynn

Sleep

Laughter

Freedom

The Atonement

Forgiveness

Prayer

Faith

What are some of the things that you are most thankful for?

What we really want out of life

These past few weeks I have really thought about our purpose here and what we are to obtain. What are we to obtain? What kind of person do I want to be? These are some of the thoughts and feelings that I have. As I stated in my very first post, I have suffered with depression for years, it's something that I have become comfortable with, but hate it altogether. I have often wondered, "why do I have depression, and what did I do to deserve such a horrible disease?" As I have studied and prayed, I have come to realize that my depression is apart of me and it is apart of who I am. I was truly inspired to create this blog as a way to express my feelings into writing. Many people are probably wondering why I would share this with everyone? Well, I have been silent for way too long and I want to be a tool in helping others talk about theirs. I believe that we are given trials to test our faith and devotion to our Father in Heaven. It is in our trials that we come to know who we really are and what we are capable of overcoming. If you read this and suffer from depression, or have any advice to share, please share it so that others can be liberated from theirs.

We can be an inspiration to anyone and everyone!!!!!

What a great weekend...


On Friday, Krista, Jackie and I decided to brave the single adults in Boise! We went to an Institute talent show and dance outside on the quad at BSU. It was alittle out of control and I even got a girl's number, such a luck girl. So as Krista was asking for her number, she pulls out a notepad and writes it on a piece of paper! Hello it's 2007 and we have cell phones!!!! We laughed so hard, I even kept the piece of paper, we'll see what happens these next few weeks! It's all because of Krista that I may have found the woman of my dreams, or wait, maybe it's her dreams, so funny! After the dance, Jackie, Krista, Alisha and I went to Old Chicago downtown to eat. It was quit an adventure this weekend. As soon as I get pics I will post them for all to see.

I want.....

A few weeks ago we had a team building activity at work. It was inspired by my good friend Jodi. One night she wrote down all of the things that she wanted and I was blown away at what she had written. The majority of the items that she wrote were not of monetary value, but of establishing a better relationship with the Lord and bettering herself. For ten minutes we sat and wrote what each of us "wanted." Usually I wouldn't think twice about what I had written, but this time was different, I went home that night anf wrote my list in my jouranl and this is what I came up with....

I want to....

Hear that I am appreciated and loved daily

Love who I am

Feel loved

Be mentally and emotionally healthy again

Have NO more jealousy

Be able to spend more time with my family

Play with Keaton and Andrew every day

Go to the movies

Be a better friend

Not be controlled by my addictions

To wake up and have no worries

Be a better listener

Become a better Christian

Not worry about money

Get married and have kids

Start my own business

To travel through Eurpoe

Go to Wimbledon

Get back to the Temple

Read my scriptures everyday

These are just a few of the things that I "want." What are some of the things that you want and truly need? Please share them and feel completely comfortable in doing so. As I began putting things into writing, they are more real to me and each one of these "wants" gives me something to work towards.

Depression has lived with me for the past 12 years and now is the time that I look it in the face and beat it! Depression is one pf those "silent" diseases that nobody ever wants to talk about or admitt that they or someone they know has it. I have been victim of this silent killer for years now and it has destroyed almost every aspect of my life. Over the years I have kept my depression silent for fear that I would be looked down upon or un-loved. It's time that someone speak out for all of is that suffer from depression. In sharing my stories and experiences, I hope that my words will reach someone and allow for them to come forward and face their own depression. If you are out there and you are struggling with depression and have nowhere to turn, please let me know and share your feelings with me. Together we can and will get through this!